Shane's Delivery

I'm sitting here on the couch watching my baby sleep in his crib through the video screen on our monitor thinking about how much our lives have changed in just a little over a week. 9 days ago Luke and I wondered what Shane would look like, what his cry would sound like, how big he would be. We even began to wonder if little Shane would come at all, since pregnancy seemed to drag on and on, and we began to think maybe our baby would live inside of me forever. (Impossible, I know, but it sure felt that way).  My heart is so overwhelmed with joy and gratitude as I look at the little baby we created, and think about the journey it took to get him here. I'll warn you... this will be a long post. Feel free to not read it, I won't be offended (nor will I even know), but I just have to write my thoughts and feelings about Shane's delivery.

I woke up at 5:35am on Monday, July 15th to cramping in my stomach. I wondered whether it was Braxton Hicks or contractions. I hadn't had either of them throughout my pregnancy so I didn't know what either of them felt like. I started timing them and they came so sporadically. 15 minutes apart, 11 minutes apart, 13 minutes apart, there was no consistency. I did this for nearly 2 hours before Luke woke up and when he did, he saw me looking at my phone as I timed the current contraction. I told him what I was feeling. He questioned whether he should go to work that day, and I assured him that what I was feeling was probably Braxton Hicks since there was no consistency to them and they weren't super painful at that point. Plus, I was to have a Dr's appt that morning at 10:20am so I would consult with the doctor and fill Luke in after the appointment. He showered and got dressed and left for work.

At about that time, Luke's mom came over since she was in town that week. She says she could tell as soon as she saw me that I wasn't feeling well, and she felt confident I was having contractions. I tried to play it cool and not complain, just bore each contraction smoothly and calmly. They started to get more consistent as the morning went on, but I kept holding on to the fact that I would see the Doctor that morning and shouldn't freak out yet. I spent the morning up until my Dr's appt doing work, answering emails, making phone calls etc.

Luke's mom offered to take me to my Dr's appt at around 10am and I accepted. My normal doctor was out of the office that week so I saw a new doctor for my very last appointment. She confirmed that I had been feeling contractions, and that I was dilated to a 3. She offered to strip my membranes which would pretty much guarantee me to go into labor within 24 hours. I nervously said ok. She said she was working Labor & Delivery that night and she was positive she would be seeing me at the hospital within a few hours.

I called Luke and let him know the news. He left work early and was home around 12:30pm. We decided to drive to the mall to walk some laps to bring on labor. We got to the mall, ate some lunch and walked about half a lap around the mall before I decided I couldn't take it anymore. We drove all the way back home and I thought maybe I'd take a shower but after sitting on the couch for about 2 minutes, I was in so much pain I knew I had to leave for the hospital immediately. So we grabbed our bags and headed in.

We checked into the hospital at 3:00pm where I was checked and confirmed to be dilated to a 5. Yay! That meant I could be admitted immediately instead of being turned away to walk laps around the hospital. I was relieved to be so far along. I was moved into the delivery room and had my contractions not been so painful it would have been a pretty relaxing atmosphere. The lights were dimmed, Luke played some chill music from the speakers he brought, it was a really calm feeling.

I immediately asked for an epidural and the anesthesiologist was there shortly to administer it. She was really nice. It was the weirdest thing feeling my legs go numb. I tried wiggling my toes and it didn't work. It made me nervous but I knew that was what I wanted. My right leg was completely numb while I maintained slight feeling in the left leg throughout the duration of labor.

Throughout the next few hours I had been checked and visited by many nurses and doctors (one of which was the doctor I saw earlier that morning who guaranteed I'd be in labor that night). I was impressed by the level of care and the kindness from each person who saw me. Eventually (around 9pm) one doctor broke my water and just minutes later it was time to start pushing. The nurse who was assigned to me for the first few hours was so nice and tried as hard as she could to direct me on how to push, but there was a language barrier and it was often hard to understand what she was trying to tell me. After an hour of pushing with no luck, it was the end of that nurse's shift and I got a new one. This nurse was much better at instructing me and I soon learned I had been pushing with the wrong muscles the whole time. I felt so disappointed that I had wasted a whole hour of time and energy. I spent the next 2 hours pushing, trying the best I could to use the right muscles although it was really hard to tell since I was so numb. As the 3rd hour approached (at this point it was around midnight) I was told that I would not be allowed to continue pushing because they only allow 3 hours of pushing. Any more time than that creates risk for mom and baby. They would let me push up to the 3 hr mark and then I'd have to have a C-Section. I was defeated and near tears. I did not want a C-Section. I begged the nurse to beg the doctor to allow me more time, especially since the whole first hour was wasted by me pushing incorrectly. The doctor allowed me to have more time, but they would use a different approach. They would be using a vacuum to try to get the baby out.

At this point I was so exhausted, tired, fatigued, and basically delirious. The feeling had almost fully returned in my left leg and I could feel each contraction as they came. It was nearly unbearable and eventually I ripped the oxygen mask off my face and panted that I needed more of the epidural. I received more medication in time for a whole slew of people to enter my room and attempt using the vacuum, although the feeling never completely left my leg again. There had to have been about 15 people in my room-- doctors, nurses, doctors in training who were there to observe. I was on display for all to see and I couldn't have cared less. The vacuum was attached to the baby's head which was beginning to crown, and pressure was applied. Then I was instructed to push while the doctor pulled the vacuum. The amount of pressure between my pushing and her pulling was intense! Each vacuum attempt ended in a very intense snap as the suction between baby and vacuum was lost. Every time that I happened I heard myself let out a loud scream. Oh my gosh, this was so intense! And bloody! And defeating! I felt so depressed knowing that I could not do it for my baby. I wanted so badly to hold him and to give him life and release him from my stomach. I wanted this to be over. I felt defeated as I came to the realization that it wasn't working, and the Doctors confirmed that we could try forever and he just was not going to come out. It was useless. My pelvic bones were too narrow to allow the baby through. It was becoming too dangerous, so a C-section was our only option.

I was wheeled into the Operating Room and somehow was rolled from one bed to another. My eyes struggled to stay open after all the exhaustion I had just gone through. I struggled to answer questions, and honestly thinking back at this, it all seems like a blur. I remember them asking me if I could feel them pinching on my stomach and I could! I was terrified that I would not numb up! They had to increase the level of medication 3 times in order for the feeling to disappear. And then surgery began. There was a lot of tugging and pulling. It was the oddest feeling. There was no pain, but there was definite feeling. It was uncomfortable.

After a few minutes of surgery, I heard a faint whimper and I realized that my Baby Boy was here! Luke left my side to go see him and take pictures as they cleaned and weighed him. Tears began to swell in my eyes-- tears of exhaustion, tears of relief, tears of gratitude, tears of sadness that I could not see my sweet baby boy. I had to wait until he was cleaned up and then they handed him to me and I got to look at my sweet angel. He was perfect. His eyes looked at me and I felt so glad that he was mine. That he was ours! That we did it! All 3 of us were there in that moment, and it felt perfect. Our little family of 3! I was overwhelmed with love for my sweet baby boy and for my sweet husband who never left my side, who was there to hold my leg and cheer me on through each contraction, who held my hand during surgery, and who held and comforted our baby in those first few minutes that I could not. I instantly loved our family of 3.

 

 

After probably a 1/2 hour of getting stitched back up (and more pulling and tugging) I was wheeled into a Recovery room where we would have to wait until the feeling came back in my legs. That didn't happen until about 4:30am. Then we were wheeled into our postpartum room where, although we didn't know it then, we would spend the next 4 days.

The next day we learned that Shane had jaundice. This was most likely brought on by the vacuum. His poor head was filled with fluids due to the suctioning of the vacuum and the intensity of labor. It was completely squishy to the touch. It felt like a water balloon. His skin and eyes turned yellow. He had to be placed in an incubator until the jaundice disappeared, only to be taken out to feed and change his diaper. It was the hardest and saddest thing to place my newborn baby into the incubator. I felt like I was deserting him. Poor guy had just entered the world and now I had to leave him  all alone and secluded. It broke my heart. It also broke my heart as he screamed and cried while having blood drawn so many times! I wanted to hit each nurse who announced she had to draw more blood! Over the course of 4 days I counted 8 pricks on one foot and 6 on the other. My poor child!

 

  

Those next 4 days in the hospital blurred into one. Time consisted of nursing, pumping, getting Shane's blood drawn, and a whole lot of nothing else. Grandma & Grandpa Stephenson as well as Grandma Hammer and Aunt Boo dropped by for a few visits. They got to hold him when we took him out for a feeding or diaper change, but otherwise they had to observe him from outside the incubator :( Finally, Friday came and we were told we could leave. We left the hospital at 5pm and were ready to begin our real lives together. Since being home, we have begun creating a system and routine. My life definitely feels like it revolves around 3hour blocks of time as I plan around feedings. Sleep at night is definitely harder to come by. But those are just small sacrifices we've made in order to gain a sweet blessing. We love our Shane. We love our new family. We love our role as parents, and I love watching Luke as he cuddles our sweet son. We just feel completely blessed to all be home and all be healthy, and to have made it through delivery together!